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June 10 sooo....we aren't allowed to blog at work anymore....which is why i have been gone for a couple months...but hopefully that will change soon.
i returned my blog to public...after doing some spring cleaning in it! ;o) it was time.....anyways...i'll catch you all up soon!!
until next time... April 22 She gets pleasure from pleasing me“God Damn, you’re so sexy!” she exclaimed. Lying on the couch, I look up at her, hoping she can’t see my blushing. All this time together and she still makes me blush like a fourteen-year-old schoolgirl. I remember the kiss we exchanged a few hours earlier in her work parking lot. Her lunch break over, I had to return to the house and not so patiently wait for her to get home. Kissing me goodbye, her lips lingering on mine, sent instant butterflies to my stomach. I felt them flying around and chasing each other, playing hide and seek. It simply took my breath away.
My eyes still on her, I will her to me. Watching her glide across the room, I am filled with wonder at how beautiful a person can be…. how beautiful she is. She lowers herself onto me, running her fingers through my hair. With each stroke of her hand, I am carried away to a place where no one else exists but me and my girl. Softly kissing every inch of my face, I feel her body relax – a sign that she is just as engulfed in this moment as I am. Our eyes meet and without breaking my gaze she kisses my lips. I can see in her eyes that this is only the beginning. Kissing me again and again, our tender kisses turn into lustful, passionate ones. Our hands exploring each other’s curves and delicate skin as if, for the first time. During a short interruption I confidently look into her eyes and inform her I am going upstairs. Pulling her closer to me, I smile. “I’ll be waiting for you…naked. And, if it feels good to you, then you should join me. You know, if fucking your girl feels good.” Turning around to go upstairs, I feel her watching me with each step I take. Within a matter of minutes, our naked bodies are wrapped up in each other. I feel her bare breasts against mine, our nipples hard, grazing one another. In the darkness, I see the outline of her shoulders and strategically place kisses on each one. She knows she has me where she wants me…. her shoulders are my weakness. Slowly, she enters me. With each gentle thrust, I take her all in. Her body still pressed against me, I take her face in my hands. Our lips meet and the energy in the room is explosive. “What do you want Baby? Tell me what you want.” She gets pleasure from pleasing me. “Fuck me Baby. Fuck your pussy.”
Up on her knees, my feet resting on her shoulders, she complies with my request. I feel her muscular thighs against my ass and my soft, wet folds open wider for her. I can feel her deep inside me…and I think she might actually hit my spine tonight. Our bodies moving as one, I can feel my clit harden. Placing her thumb in just the right spot, my girl caresses it. Fucking me harder and faster, I feel myself drifting to that place.
“You wanna cum don’t you Baby? I make your pussy feel good don’t I? You want to cum Baby? You want me to let you cum?”
Words escape me and I can only nod my head.
Slowing slightly both in fucking and caresses, she shifts her hips and I know she is preparing herself. Her free hand glides up and down my leg and she begins to pick up speed again. I can feel every inch of her moving in and out of my throbbing pussy and once again I begin to drift. Grabbing her thighs and I pull her in deeper… her thumb moving vigorously as she continues to fuck me hard. I feel her grip on me tighten and she lets out a low whimper. Hearing my girl right as she begins to cum pushes me over the edge and together we climax. Falling onto me, both of us gasping for air, I feel her heart pounding against me. Our sweat covered bodies resting for just a moment. Just a moment…. and then I feel her mouth wrapped around my nipple. Her teeth nibbling and tongue flicking my sensitive skin. “I want you on top.” She makes her proclamation. She knows I love this…but I know she loves it just as much. She loves watching me move on top of her. Putting her just where I want her…. being in control. She loves to feel me roll my hips, causing her to go deeper inside me. Eagerly I mount her and every nerve in my body tingles with anticipation. The light shining in from outside illuminates her face and breasts. My girl is sexy…wow is she ever. Riding her, she caresses every part of me she can see, telling me how beautiful I am ….how sexy…saying how she loves to watch her beautiful, sexy girl fuck. I love when she talks to me like that. It sets something off in me that makes me want to please her, riding harder and deeper…faster. “Aw Babe, your gonna make me cum.” I smile and giggle…. has she not figured out yet that that is what I am trying to do? Grabbing my clit, I move so that she is hitting just the right spot with each forward motion. This one is big…I feel it. It comes so fast and hard that I can barely contain myself and scream out her name over and over. I hear her call out as well, giving me goose bumps. I love cumming together. Tears spring to my eyes at the intensity of the moment and I collapse onto her before she can see them. Wrapping her arms around me, my girl calms me…asking over and over what’s wrong. But how do you explain that moment?? How do you explain the intense emotions and physical sensations that surge through you all at once?? How do you explain that kind of desire…intimacy…. passion…. love?? Rolling off of her, I rest my head on her breasts, her arm lazily draped over me. This was a wow night. The kind of night we will talk about and relive for a very long time. The kind of night that will be forever etched into my memory…mmmm, I can still smell the aroma of fresh, hot sex…. MemeMeme stolen from Tina-cious
Paste the sentences into an entry of your own, change to your answers, then tag me and ten other people. Or Tag any number of people you want. 1. My ex…is a good person and I hope that he finds happiness. 2. Maybe I should… do some work. 3. I love… the way I feel with her. 4. People would say that I’m … a bit re-rinded. 5. I don’t understand why … everyone can't just get along. 6. When I wake up in the morning … I snuggle up closer to my Boo, unless I'm at my house alone in which case I groan and whine that she isn't with me and that is the reason I didn't sleep well. 7. I lost my … ability to put up with the drama...and I am ever so thankful...and at peace. 8. Life is full of … beauty....but you have to have your eyes (and heart) open to see all of it. 9. My past…helped craft me into the person i am today. 10. I get annoyed by … people who don't believe that I am a lesbian. Like I need to prove to them that I am. And by men who think its okay to be so disrespectful when speaking to me....crude and vulgar comments are just not appropriate. 11. Parties are … fun....until the next day. 12. I wish life was not … so difficult sometimes.....but the storms bring the rainbows... 13. Dogs are … the loves of my life. 14. Cats are… pretty scary to me. But now that I live with one I kinda got get past that. 15. Tomorrow is … gonna be another great day just because I say so. 16. I have a low tolerance for … disrespectful, ignorant, arrogant, and bigotted people 17. If I had a million dollars … I'd pay debts, buy a house, buy a whole new wardrobe, and take Boo and T to a far away place so we can have some quality time. 18. I’m totally terrified … of the dark....and the woods....and cats... 19. My partner … has opened my eyes to so many things.....but we don't use the word partner just for clarification purposes...lol. 20. My life is … already absolutely amazing and getting better and better by the day. Tag, YOU'RE it! ;) April 21 BehindBehind the long, auburn hair is a simple woman who is content with just... being Behind the deep, dark, chestnut eyes is a wise beyond her years girl who searches for understanding in a world that just... doesn't Behind the big, bold smile is a sensitive and kind soul who longs for love and acceptance from people that just..... can't Behind the sun kissed, broad shoulders is a warrior who has carried her family through torrential downpours when those that should have just.... couldn't Behind the soft, voluptuous breasts is a tender heart that is easily hurt but rises above when others expect her to just.... fail Behind the strong, graceful hands is a girl needing a hand to hold through the dark nights when her courage is just.... depleted Behind the enticing, curvaceous hips is a woman yearning for life to grow within her so that she may just.... give Behind the long, sexy legs is a lover that relishes in tender kisses and gentle caresses from the one that just.... cares Behind the sturdy, feminine feet is a lady who carries herself with confidence and pride even when she is told that desired she just... isn't Behind all of these things is a girl, a woman, a warrior, a lady, an old soul.... a lover Behind her beautiful exterior there is so much more to be known... to be found Behind the the things seen and things unseen there is just.... me April 17 Long Legged FemmeKiss and Kvell wrote this over on her blog.....it reminded me of, well, myself. I especially loved a few lines...."whose soft skin shields a kick-ass Amazon." Boo refers to me as an Amazon. Being that I'm 5'10, and have been for more years than not now, I took offense at first. Growing up, I was always taller than everyone else....a lot taller. For instance, from age 12 to 16, I only grew a half inch...and have never grown since. So, let's just say kids were not so kind to this long legged femme. BUT, after reading this poem, I look at "Amazon" a bit differently. Don't get me wrong, I love being tall....love it, relish in it, use it to my advantage, and wouldn't change it for anything! I just thought that being referred to as an Amazon sounded a bit derogatory. However, after some thought....my opinion has changed....Boo, you can call me an Amazon anytime you like...I take pride in it!!
I also loved the ending. I seem to be one of those people that everyone thinks they know....until they really get to know me or I allow them to see all of me. Its not that I puposely hide, but at certain places and in certain situations, I seemingly flat out astonish some people. So I realte to the writer in that you can know me for years without knowing it all....but then, can you ever really know everything about anyone.....
I’m just that kinda girl
with a permanent glint
behind my eyes.
I’m just that kinda girl
who wears black, thigh-high stockings
under my jeans.
I’m just that kinda girl
whose soft skin
shields a kick-ass Amazon.
I’m just that kinda girl
that you can claim
but never tame.
I’m just that kinda girl
who values strength
as well as subtlety.
I’m just that kinda girl
who cries at movies
but suffers no fools.
I’m just that kinda girl
that you can take
but never break.
I’ll reveal it
when you’re ready to see.
I’ll give it
when you’re ripe to respond.
I’ll parade it
but not in public.
I’ll flaunt it
right in your face.
And
just when you
think
that you’ve figured
me out
I’ll surprise
I’ll stun
I’ll slay
you.
Because
I’m just that kinda girl.
Until Next Time..... April 16 SHE WANTS TO BREAK FREEI REMEMBER VERY VIVIDLY THAT MOMENT WHEN I STOPPED BEING A CAREFREE, FUN LOVING KID. I WAS SO YOUNG, BEING FORCED INTO THE ADULT WORLD - MAKING ADULT CHOICES, BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR FEEDING THE FAMILY, DOING THE HOUSEHOLD CHORES, MAKING SURE THAT OUR FAMILY CONTINUED TO APPEAR NORMAL...EVEN THOUGH IT WAS NOTHING LIKE ANYONE ELSE'S.
IT IS SAID THAT WE ALL HAVE CHOICES IN LIFE. EACH CHOICE COMES WITH A CONSEQUENCE - POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE. BUT AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE AND UNDER MY PARENTS RULE, I NEVER KNEW I HAD ONE. LOOKING BACK, THERE WERE RESOURCES MY PARENTS COULD HAVE REACHED OUT TO. AND NOT JUST ORGANIZATIONS EITHER - WE HAD FRIENDS AND FAMILY, THAT ALTHOUGH HELPED WHEN THEY COULD, THEY COULDN'T GIVE THE HELP WE SO DESPERATELY NEEDED, BECAUSE NO ONE REALLY KNEW WHAT IT WAS LIKE IN THAT PLACE WE CALLED A HOME..
NO ONE BUT US.
ONE DAY, I WAS WRAPPED UP IN SPORTS AND FRIENDS, MAKE-UP AND CLOTHES, MY INNER TOMBOY FIGHTING MY OUTER FASHIONISTA. THE NEXT, I WAS WORRYING ABOUT PUTTING FOOD ON THE TABLE, COUNTING ALL THE PILLS IN EVERY BOTTLE, GIVING OUT SAID PILLS IN THE RIGHT DOSAGE AT THE RIGHT TIMES, GIVING AN ADULT A BATH, AND HOLDING SAID ADULT WHEN THEY WERE SCARED, CRYING, COULDN'T SLEEP, OR WERE TOO WEAK TO MOVE.
IN A 24 HOUR PERIOD, I WENT FROM COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO THE EVILNESS OF THIS WORLD, TO KNOWING ALL TOO WELL JUST HOW CRUEL AND EVIL PEOPLE CAN BE. I LEARNED AT A YOUNG AGE THAT SOMETIMES DADDIES ARE THE MONSTERS THAT COME TO DEVOUR YOU AT NIGHT AND MOMMIES DON'T ALWAYS PROTECT THEIR LITTLE GIRLS. IN A SINGLE DAY, MY ENTIRE LIFE, MY HEROS, MY WORLD WAS STRIPPED FROM ME; BECOMING, ONCE AGAIN, A COMPLETE LIE. IN JUST A MOMENT IN TIME, I WENT FROM MINOR TO ADULT - FROM CHILD TO PARENT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS WORSE, PARENTING YOUR PARENT OR BEING PARENTED BY YOUR CHILD. I AM SURE MY PARENTS AND I COULD HAVE A VERY GOOD DEBATE ABOUT THIS. TRULY THOUGH, IT DOESN'T MATTER - I AM POSITIVE THAT BOTH WERE DIFFICULT, HEART-WRENCHING, AND JUST PLAIN SUCKED. FOR YEARS, EACH OF US CARRIED AROUND THE WORLD ON OUR SHOULDERS. IT WAS LIKE WE ALL HAD THIS CHAIN WRAPPED AND LOCKED SECURELY AROUND US - EACH LINK REPRESENTING A DIFFIRENT HURT, BETRAYEL, AND FEELING. THERE WERE LINKS OF ANGER, RESENTMENT, SHAME, FEAR.....THE LIST GOES ON. BUT AS EACH OF US WALKED OUT OF THE PRISON-LIKE DOORS TO OUR HOUSE, WE CAREFULLY HID OUR CHAINS BEHIND OUR MASKS AND PERFECTLY PRESSED CLOTHES, NEVER ALLOWING ANYONE TO REALLY SEE OUR BROKENESS.
I WAS ALWAYS THE WEAKEST LINK, SAYING JUST A LITTLE MORE THAN I SHOULD. BUT, FOR THOSE THAT KNOW ME...MY EYES TRULY ARE WINDOWS TO MY SOUL. NOT TO MENTION, JUST LIKE I DO NOW, MY HEART WAS ALWAYS WORN ON MY SLEEVE. MY EYES WERE EMPTY - AND THAT IS SOMETHING NO ONE CAN HIDE.
ITS BEEN YEARS SINCE THAT HORRIBLE DAY WHEN MY INNOSENSE WAS RIPPED FROM ME. YEARS SINCE I PLAYED MOMMY TO A GROWN UP. EACH ONE OF US HAS HEALED, FORGIVEN, AND MOVED ON...BUT WE WILL NEVER FORGET. I DON'T WANT TO FORGET. I AM A STRONGER WOMAN BECAUSE OF MY CHILDHOOD....OR LACK THERE OF. WHILE I CAN STILL BE DANGEROUSLY CAREFREE, I AM MUCH WISER THAN MOST OF MY PEERS. I HAVE SEEN THINGS AND DONE THINGS AND GONE THROUGH THINGS THAT I WISH ON NO ONE...NOT EVEN MY WORST ENEMY. I HAVE NO REGRETS OR RESENTMENTS. IT IS WHAT IT IS. MY LIFE WAS FOREVER CHANGED THAT DAY - AND ALTHOUGH THOSE WERE THE WORST YEARS OF MY LIFE, LIVING IN THAT HELL - I WAS CHANGED FOR THE BETTER.
BUT IT IS DAYS LIKE TODAY, WHEN MY INNER CHILD LONGS TO BE PLAYING AND RUNNING AND LAUGHING OUTSIDE INSTEAD OF HOLED UP IN AN OFFICE BUILDING IN THIS SUIT WEARING ADULT BODY, THAT I AM REMINDED OF THOSE LOST YEARS. SHE WANTS TO RUN ALONG THE LAKES SHORE AND FALL CARELESSLY INTO THE OPEN ARMS OF THE WAVES. SHE WANTS TO STRIP NAKED IN THE BACK YARD AND BASK IN THE BEAUTY OF THE SUN WHILE RUNNING FROM THE SPRINKLERS AIM. SHE WANTS TO FALL ASLEEP UNDER THE LARGE OAK TREES AND WAKE TO THE WET TONGUE OF HER BELOVED PUPPY. SHE WANTS TO HAVE A TICKLE WAR WITH HER BEST FRIEND. AND STAY UP GIGGLING INTO THE WEE HOURS OF THE MORNING.
SHE WANTS TO BREAK FREE....
SO, I THINK THAT I WILL ALLOW HER TO SHINE THROUGH TODAY. WHILE SHE MAY NOT BE ABLE TO DO ALL THE THINGS SHE PLEASES TODAY....WE CAN STILL HAVE FUN TOGETHER. THE ADULT ME AND THE CHILD ME...WE CAN STILL BASK IN THE BEAUTY OF LIFE AND LOVE, AND RELISH IN THE PLAYFUL TENDERNESS THAT LIES WITHIN US. BECAUSE, WE ARE ONE IN THE SAME...AND IT IS MERELY A CHOICE TO LET HER BE SEEN....
UNTIL NEXT TIME.... April 15 I LOVE HERSO I HAVE BEEN READING A LOT OF DIFFERENT BLOGS LATELY...AND ITS GOT MY DESIRE TO WRITE BURNIN PRETTY HOT. PROBLEM IS, EVERY TIME I SIT DOWN TO WRITE...I GOT NOTHIN! I MEAN I READ THESE BLOGS AND THESE PEOPLE CAN WRITE 5 OR 6 LINES ABOUT ANYTHING OR NOTHING AT ALL AND ITS HILARIOUS OR MOVING OR INSPIRING.....HOW CAN I INSPIRE IN JUST A FEW SENTENCES???
BOO CALLS ME HER "LIL WRITER"...WHICH MAKES ME LAUGH. I JUST WRITE WHEN I FEEL IT...LIKE REALLY FEEL IT. WHEN I HAVE SOME OVERWHELMING EMOTION OR THOUGHT THAT WON'T ALLOW ME TO THINK OR FEEL ANYTHING ELSE UNTIL I WRITE. AND THEN I POUR IT OUT. SOMETIMES I THINK I SHOULD CARRY AROUND A RECORDER SO THAT WHEN I AM DRIVING IN THE CAR AND GET STRUCK WITH A GREAT IDEA OR THOUGHT TO WRITE ABOUT...I WON'T FORGET LATER IF I JUST HIT RECORD. SURE, I COULD USE MY CELL PHONE....BUT THEN I GOTTA RECORD MULTIPLE TIMES BECAUSE IT ONLY GOES FOR JUST A COUPLE OF MINUTES.
THERE IS SOMETHING ON MY MIND TODAY THOUGH....WELL RIGHT NOW....
YOU SEE, BOO CAN FEEL A PERSON'S ENERGY. A LOT OF PEOPLE CAN SENSE THINGS...BUT BOO....SHE FEELS IT. I AM LEARNING TO TAP INTO THAT PART OF ME AS WELL....BEING MORE IN TUNE WITH MY SENSITIVE SELF REALLY OPENS UP THE POSSIBLITIES. BUT I DIGRESS. TODAY AT LUNCH SHE KNEW I WAS RETURNING SOME KEYS THAT I HAD MADE AT HOME DEPOT. I MOVED THIS PAST WEEKEND AND GOT SOME MADE FOR GUESTS AND ONE FOR BOO. ONLY I HADN'T TOLD BOO THAT I WAS DOING THAT...ONLY MY ROOMMATE AND I KNOW SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING. SO, I SEND BOO A TEXT TELLING HER THAT I WAS TAKING THE KEYS BACK DURING LUNCH AND SHE SAYS HERS BETTER BE TYE DYE. BY THE END OF THE CONVERSATION I HAD ADMITTED THAT YES, I WAS GIVING HER A KEY AND SHE ADMITTED SHE FELT IT.
THE WOMAN CAN BE DIFFICULT TO SURPRISE I TELL YA!
BUT MY POINT IS THIS....BOO FEELS THINGS THAT I DON'T EXPRESS OR VOCALIZE. THIS CAN DEFINITELY BITE ME IN THE ASS SOMETIMES. LIKE TODAY. AFTER THE KEY THING I ASKED IF SHE FELT ANYTHING ELSE. IN SPANISH, SHE INFORMED ME THAT I AM TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH HER.
I ALMOST FAINTED AND PUKED AND CRIED ALL AT THE SAME TIME. BECAUSE...I AM-AND SHE KNEW IT. AND NOW I HAD TWO CHOICES.....LIE - WHICH I DON'T DO EVER. OR TELL HER SHE IS RIGHT KNOWING THAT SHE ISN'T THERE YET.
I TOLD THE TRUTH. AND I AM GLAD I DID. SHE THINKS SHE DOESN'T DESERVE ME....THINKS I'M SO SWEET TO HER. BUT I'M JUST ME....AND YEA, I LOVE HER. BUT I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE DAY FOR HER TO REALIZE ALL THAT SHE DESERVES. THIS BEAUTIFUL WOMAN THAT I HAVE FALLEN HEAD OVER HEELS FOR. SERIOUSLY.AMAZING. AND HOPEFULLY, SHE WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH ME AS WELL. AFTER 8 YEARS WITH A BRAIN-WASHING, PSYCHOTIC, UNFAITHFUL, HORRIBLE EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN - I CAN UNDERSTAND HER TRUST ISSUES. AND I AM PATIENT. I LOVE HER. I WON'T SACRIFICE MYSELF OR MY NEEDS....BUT I CAN SIT BACK AND PATIENTLY WAIT FOR HER...AND I WILL. JUST AS SHE DOES WITH ME ON SOME THINGS.
I THINK THAT WHEN YOU FIND SOMEONE WITH WHOM YOU CONNECT SO DEEPLY...SO INTIMATELY WITH, THAT YOUR HEART JUST FEELS RIGHT, YOUR MIND DOESN'T NEED THE ANSWERS AND YOU JUST....LIVE IN THE MOMENT. AND IN LETTING GO, BEING ME, LIVING AUTHENTICALLY...I AM HAPPY. TRULY HAPPY. EVEN THE ROUGH DAYS I FIND MYSELF SMILING...I JUST CAN'T STAY UPSET. BECAUSE I AM FINALLY BEING ME. I HAVE BEEN DOWN THE ROAD OF SELF HATE AND DENIAL AND I FINALLY LOOK MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AND LOVE THE WOMAN THAT I AM. BECAUSE THE WOMAN THAT I AM IS PROUD TO BE A LESBIAN. EVEN IF IT MEANS LOSING PEOPLE SHE LOVES DEARLY....THIS WOMAN IS STRONG AND COURAGEOUS....AND THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING.
UNTIL NEXT TIME....
April 14 Gotta be honestI gotta be completely honest......
I really don't have a big long blog to write today...well I ahve things to say but not the time. I just wanted to say that my Boo just told me she's crazy about me. She's never said that before. I tell her all the time that I'm smitten or "totally completely, insanely, mad crazy about her." But she hasn't said it to me...until today....and my heart skipped a beat...
So yea...I am totally on cloud 9....and I am definitely okay with that....
S.M.I.T.T.E.N.
Until Next Time.... April 08 MY SPECIAL PLACEDO YOU HAVE ONE OF THOSE PLACES? YOU KNOW THAT ONE I'M TALKING ABOUT. THAT PLACE WHETHER REAL OR IMAGINARY THAT YOU SOMETIMES GO TO TO UNWIND. THAT SPECIAL PLACE THAT IS YOURS ALONE. I HAVE TWO....ONE IS FAIRLY NEW TO ME AND IT IS REAL AND THE OTHER IS A REAL PLACE THAT I HAVEN'T PHYSICALLY BEEN TO IN YEARS BUT I GO THERE IN MY MIND ALL THE TIME. IT IS THE LATTER ONE I WANT TO TALK ABOUT. IT WAS MY GREAT AUNT AND UNCLE'S PLACE BEFORE MY UNCLE WAS KILLED IN A CAR ACCIDENT. A PLACE I SPENT MANY DAYS AND NIGHTS AT. A PLACE I CALLED HOME FOR AWHILE. A PLACE THAT WAS ALWAYS FULL OF LOVE AND COMPASSION. MY SPECIAL PLACE...
I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT THEIR HOUSE WAS. WHETHER IT WAS THE BIG, OPEN KITCHEN AND LARGE EATING AREAS THAT WERE ALL FLOODED WITH SUNLIGHTOR IF IT WAS LONG, WINDING DIRT ROAD DOWN THE HILL TO GET THERE THAT WAS ENGULFED IN TREES (AS A KID I WAS TERRIFIED TO BE ON THAT ROAD AT NIGHT....TOO MANY TALL TALES WERE TOLD). MAYBE IT WAS THE BIG, BEAUTIFUL FRONT DOOR THAT MATCHED THE SHUTTERS, OR POSSIBLY THE HARDWOOD FLOORS THAT WERE ICE COLD IN WINTER. I COULD HONESTLY GO FOR HOURS TELLING EVERY DETAIL OF THE HOUSE.....INCLUDING WHERE ONE OF MY COUSINS HID HIS DIRTY MAGAZINES (HOW MANY TIMES DID I GET CAUGHT LOOKING AT THEM AND YET STILL ITS A SHOCK I'M A LESBIAN!??)....HOWEVER I STILL WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO TELL YOU WHAT MY FAVORITE PART WAS.
THERE ARE A LOT OF MEMORIES IN THAT HOUSE....BOTH GOOD AND BAD. BUT THE BEST MEMORIES HAPPENED EITHER AT THE TABLE OVER A MEAL OR ON THE BACK PORCH SIPPING SWEET ICED TEA. ESPECIALLY WHEN UNCLE WAS AROUND. HE WAS AN AGGIE.....AND HE LOVED TO TALK ABOUT THE GOOD OLE DAYS. HE WOULD GET ON A ROLL AND START LAUGHING AND WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO FINISH....MAN, I MISS HIS LAUGH. IT WAS CONTAGIOUS. ONE OF THIS ROLLING LAUGHS THAT NEVER SEEMED TO STOP. AND WHAT A JOKESTER!! HE ALWAYS HAD A GOOD ONE READY TO TELL AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT. I REMEMBER COUNTLESS TIMES THAT HE AND I WOULD SIT ON THE BACK PORCH, LOOKING OVER THE PASTURE, DRINKING OUR TEA. SOMETIMES WE WOULD TALK, OTHER TIMES WERE SPENT IN SILENCE. BUT WE ALWAYS ENJOYED THOSE MOMENTS....JUST HIM AND ME AND THE AMAZING EAST TEXAS AIR. THERE WAS A LITTLE FLOWER BED NEXT TO THE PORCH...I REMEMBER THE SWEET FRAGRANCE OF ROSES AND HOW EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE I WOULD SIT IN THE PORCH SWING INSTEAD OF THE ROCKING CHAIR JUST TO BE CLOSER TO THEM. I REMEMBER HOW DURING THE SUMMER DAYS I WOULD STRETCH OUT ON THE STEPS TO GET SOME SUN...AND IT NEVER FAILED THAT I WOULD GET NAILED BY WATER BALLOONS OR THE HOSE BY ONE OF THE FOUR BOY COUSINS.
ON DARK DAYS, I GO THERE IN MY MIND. I CLOSE MY EYES AND DRIFT OFF TO THE BEAUTIFUL EAST TEXAS HOME THAT NO LONGER HOLDS MY FAMILY. HOWEVER IN MY MIND, IT IS SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT. IN MY MIND IT IS MY HOME AND IT DOES HOLD A FAMILY...MINE....MY CHILDREN AND MY PARTNER. IT IS OUR DOGS THAT RUN FREE IN THE YARD...OUR CHILDREN PLAYING ON THE SWINGSET. IT IS ROSES AND LILLIES AND TALL SUNFLOWERS IN MY GARDEN THAT I HAVE PLANTED. ITS HOME GROWN VEGGIES AND THE SMELL OF DINNER COOKING IN THE KITCHEN. ITS MINE. ALL MINE. AND HERE IN THIS SPECIAL PLACE IN MY MIND....EVERYONE IS SMILING AND RACE, SEXUALITY, AND GENDER DON'T MATTER....BECAUSE IN MY SPECIAL PLACE, ONLY LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE IS ALLOWED. THERE IS GOOD ENERGY HERE.....
....I THINK UNCLE WOULD HAVE LIKE IT....I THINK.....I THINK HE WOULD BE PROUD OF ME....
I MISS YOU UNCLE.....NOW MORE THAN EVER I MISS YOU.....
UNTIL NEXT TIME..... HAPPY "MONTHIVERSARY"!I CANNOT TELL A LIE : I AM BEING A , IN BOO'S WORDS, TOTAL GIRL TODAY. BUT I CAN'T HELP IT...I AM TOTALLY SMITTEN. I AM. I SAID IT. AND I'M PROUD OF IT. BOO HAS AWAKENED THINGS IN ME THAT I NEVER DREAMED POSSIBLE IN MY OWN LIFE...OTHERS' YES, MINE NO. AND WELL, DON'T LAUGH, BUT I'M FAIRLY GIDDY TODAY BECAUSE WE HAVE BEEN DATING FOUR MONTHS. TODAY. YEA, ITS OUR ANNIVE...OR "MONTHIVERSARY" TODAY. I WANTED TO WRITE A POEM OR SHORT STORY OR WHATEVER TO GIVE TO HER...BUT I CAN'T FIND THE WORDS. I WILL KEEP TRYING...AND MAYBE I WILL GIVE IT TO HER ON ANOTHER DAY..YOU KNOW JUST BECAUSE.
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE ITS BEEN FOUR MONTHS ALREADY! TIME SURE FLIES WHEN YOU ARE HAVIN' FUN AND TOTALLY SMITTEN!
HAPPY "MONTHIVERSARY" BOO!! I AM SOO VERY THANKFUL TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE. YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME....TRULY. YOU HAVE BROUGHT SO MUCH SUNSHINE AND JOY. I LOVE LIVING IN THIS MOMENT WITH YOU! I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING...NOTHING AT ALL. YOU TRULY ARE THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME....XOXO....
UNTIL NEXT TIME..... April 07 JUST ONE MORE THING ABOUT THE WEEKENDYESTERDAY I TOLD YOU ABOUT OUR WEEKEND....BUT WHAT I DIDN'T TELL YOU IS THAT SATURDAY NIGHT, MY BOO HELD ME CLOSE WHILE I CRIED. SHE WIPED MY TEARS AND RAN HER FINGERS THROUGH MY HAIR...WHEN I GOT OVER-HEATED FROM BEING SO UPSET SHE TOOK ME OUTSIDE TO GET SOME FRESH AIR. AND THEN SHE LED ME UPSTAIRS AND PUT ME TO BED. MY SWEET GIRL TOOK GREAT CARE OF ME. ON SUNDAY, AFTER ANOTHER EMOTIONALLY DRAINING DAY (AND SIGNING MY NEW APARTMENT LEASE WITH ONE OF MY BESTIES!), I ARRIVED EXHAUSTED AT BOO'S AND READY FOR A NAP. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO A FRIEND OF HER'S PLACE, BUT BOO TOLD ME TO STAY AND GET SOME REST...SPEND A LITTLE TIME WITH T (THE PUP) AND JUST RELAX. SIGHS...SHE'S GREAT. AFTER A LITTLE PLAY TIME WITH T, AND PUTTING SOME FOOD IN MY BELLY, I QUICKLY FELL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH.
YESTERDAY I RECEIVED A NOTIFICATION FROM MYSPACE THAT BOO HAD POSTED A COMMENT ON MY PAGE. EARLIER IN THE DAY I HAD THANKED HER FOR TAKING CARE OF ME AND TOLD HER THAT I WAS GLAD IT WAS HER THAT WAS THERE TO WIPE MY TEARS. HER COMMENT TO ME SAID "I'll wipe away your tears anytime babygirl..." TALK ABOUT SWEET!! IT ACTUALLY BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES!! YEA I KNOW....SUCH A GIRL!! ANYWAYS.....I ASKED HER WHY SHE IS SO GOOD TO ME AND HER REPLY WAS THE LYRICS TO A SONG. I THINK I'M GONNA MAKE IT OUR SONG NOW....I SHOULD PROLLY TELL HER THAT THOUGH HUH?! SO THE WHOLE POINT TO MY POST IS THAT I WANT TO SHARE THE LYRICS WITH YOU AS WELL.
I HOPE EACH OF YOU FINDS SOMEONE AS SWEET AND CARING AS MY BOO!!
What day is it? And in what month?
UNTIL NEXT TIME.....
April 06 WHAT A WEEKENDON SATURDAY, BOO WENT WITH ME TO A PARTY FOR A NON-PROFIT ORGANIZATION I AM PRETTY INVOLVED WITH. SHE WANTED TO SEE WHAT IT WAS ABOUT AND WE WERE BOTH TIRED OF OUR RELATIONSHIP NOT BEING ACKNOWLEDGED BY CERTAIN PEOPLE. BUT WE BOTH FELT GOOD ABOUT HER GOING WITH ME AND NOT TELLING ANYONE…NOT A SOUL….THAT SHE WOULD BE THERE. IT FELT GREAT WALKING IN WITH MY GIRL. SOME FRIENDS THAT HAVE MET HER BEFORE RAN UP TO SAY HELLO, OTHERS CAME TO MEET HER, AND STILL OTHERS WOULD WAIT UNTIL SHE WASN’T LOOKING AND GIVE ME A THUMBS UP OR MAKE SOME SORT OF GESTURE LETTING ME KNOW THAT THEY APPORVED….NOT THAT I NEED ANYONE’S APPROVAL. HOWEVER IT FELT GOOD THAT THESE PEOPLE LOVED ME AND WERE HAPPY THAT I AM HAPPY.
AS THE PARTY GOT UNDER-WAY, SOMETHING CUAGHT MY EYE ON THE OPPOSITE END OF THE ROOM AND….IN WALKS BOTH OF MY PARENTS. IT WAS THE MOMENT WE CAME FOR. NOT TO SPITE THEM, OR PUSH IT IN THEIR FACES, OR TO DISRESPECT THEM IN ANY WAY. BUT WE WERE BOTH ANXIOUS TO SEE WHAT HAPPENED. WOULD THEY PRETEND LIKE WE WEREN’T THERE, GREET US WITH ANGER AND HATEFUL WORDS, OR COMPLETELY SURPRISE US AND BE NICE. NEITHER OF US HAD ANY EXPECTATIONS HAVING THOUGHT ABOUT EVERY POSSIBLE SCENARIO….OR SO WE THOUGHT. MOM BEGAN APPROACHING ME, BUT FROM THE DIRECTION SHE WAS COMING FROM, SHE COULDN’T SEE BOO. IT SADDENS MY HEART GREATLY TO SAY THIS, HOWEVER WHEN SHE DID SEE BOO, SHE PROMPTLY TURNED AROUND, GOT MY DAD – AND LEFT. THEY LEFT. REALLY? WHY DID THEY LEAVE??
IT BROKE MY HEART. NOT JUST FOR ME. BUT BOO TURNED TO ME, HER EYES MEETING MINE AND HER SHOULDERS DROOPING AND JUST LOUD ENOUGH FOR ME TO HEAR ASKED ME, “AM I REALLY THAT BAD THAT THEY HAD TO LEAVE.” HEARING THOSE WORDS I BECAME ANGRY. MY PARENTS…THE ONES THAT RAISED ME TO TREAT EVERYONE WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT AND WITH AN OPEN MIND AND HEART AND JUST HURT ONE OF..IF NOT THE…MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE. THEY HAD DISRESPECTED HER…AND ME. THEY HAD TREATED US AS IF WE WERE LESS THAN.
EVERYTIME I THINK ABOUT IT OR TALK ABOUT IT, THE DIRTY DANCING LINE COMES TO MIND….”NO ONE PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER.”
WE STAYED FOR HALF THE PARTY AND THEN WENT TO DINNER. WE BOTH NEEDED SOME TIME BEFORE HEADING BACK TO HER HOUSE. WE TALKED ABOUT IT SOME AND I DEFINITLEY EXPRESSED MY ANGER. BUT BY THE TIME WE GOT HOME, THE ANGER WAS GONE AND THE HURT HAD SET IN. I MEAN HOW CAN YOUR OWN MOTHER TREAT YOU AS IF YOU WERE A HOMELESS DOG? BOO HELD ME WHILE I CRIED….SOBBED….WHEN WE GOT HOME. SHE WIPED MY TEARS AND RAN HER FINGERS THROUGH MY HAIR. SHE. WAS. PERFECT. SHE PUT ME TO BED SHORTLY AFTER THE TEARS STOPPED. I WAS TIRED AND SHE KNEW I WAS FRAGILE…..AND SHE WAS…..JUST PERFECT.
THE SADDEST PART TO ME IS THAT ONE DAY I WILL HAVE CHILDREN…POSSIBLY WITH BOO….AND MY PARENTS ARE VERY QUICKLY RUINING WHAT CHANCE THEY HAVE OF EVER KNOWING THEIR GRANDKIDS. BECAUSE NO ONE….I REPEAT NO ONE, WILL TREAT MY KIDS THE WAY MY PARENTS HAVE TREATED ME OVER THE LAST FEW MONTHS. NOR WILL THE TREAT MY BOO THAT WAY. AND YOU KNOW WHAT….THEY AREN’T GONNA TREAT ME THAT WAY ANYMORE EITHER. I DESERVE MORE THAN THAT.
I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND JOYFUL AND IF THEY CAN’T ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO BE WITH AND LOVE A WOMAN, THEN THEY DON’T HAVE A PLACE IN MY LIFE……
UNTIL NEXT TIME…. April 03 COMPANYFirst 50 Words: Company
WHAT IS IT ABOUT YOU? IS IT YOUR NEVER-ENDING ENERGY OR THE FACT THAT YOU CAN RELAX WITH ME? IS IT YOUR LOVE FOR YOUR LITTLE BOY AND ALL YOUR FRIENDS? MAYBE IT'S THAT YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT, WHEN YOU WANT, AND HOW YOU WANT. OR MAYBE IT'S THAT WE CAN BE I A ROOM WITH OUR FRIENDS, OR A RESTAURANT FULL OF PEOPLE AND YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE ITS JUST US...LIKE WE ARE THE ONLY TO CREATURES THAT EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE. YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN...TREAT ME AS A WOMAN SHOULD BE TREATED...AND I FIND MYSELF BLOOMING UNDER YOUR GRACEFUL CARE.
PERSONALLY, I THINK ITS SOMETHING DEEPER THAT HAS CAUSED THIS ADDICTION-LIKE NEED TO BE IN YOUR COMPANY....IN YOUR PRESENCE. IT ISN'T AN UNHEALTHY NEED BY ANY MEANS, BUT A DESIRE THAT HAS TAKEN ROOT SO DEEP WITHIN ME THAT WHEN WE ARE APART, I LONG TO BE WITH YOU AGAIN. ITS NOT AN OBSESSION OR UNHEALTHY CO-DEPENDENCY, BUT A FEELING OF SHEER HAPPINESS THAT I HAVE FOUND YOU. THAT THE POWERS THAT BE FINALLY...MADE IT HAPPEN....BROUGHT US TOGETHER FOR THIS MOMENT IN TIME - HOWEVER LONG IT IS. I CHERISH IT, YOU KNOW - THIS MOMENT WITH YOU. I RELISH IN EVERY JOYFUL MOMENT, EVERY PLAYFUL EXCHANGE, EVERY PASSIONATE ENCOUNTER WHETHER POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE, EVERY SIMPLE OCCASSION. I RELISH IN...US - IN WHO WE ARE AS INDIVIDUALS AND WHO WE ARE TOGETHER.
I LOOK AT EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD DIFFERENTLY BECAUSE YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME TO LET GO AND JUST LET IT BE. I FEEL THINGS FROM OTHER PEOPLE EVEN WHEN THEY ARE NOT VOICED. I NOTICE THOSE, THOSE WOW MOMENTS MORE BECAUSE YOU HAVE OPENED MY EYES TO NEW POSSIBILITIES. I DREAM MORE AND WORRY LESS. I EMBRACE THE UNKNOWN AND LAY DOWN THE FEAR. I BELIEVE IN MYSELF MORE THAN I EVER HAVE BEFORE BECAUSE I HEAR YOUR VOICE TELLING ME THAT I AM A BEAUTIFUL, SMART, STRONG, COURAGEOUS FEMALE CREATURE....EVEN WHEN YOU AREN'T PHYSICALLY WITH ME - THOSE WORDS GET ME THROUGH MY WEAKER MOMENTS.
I COULD QUESTION WHAT ALL OF THIS MEANS. SIT FOR HOURS AND PONDER ALL THE POSSIBILITIES AND ANALYZE EVERY DAY THAT WE HAVE SHARED TOGETHER. BUT THAT IS WHAT THE OLD ME WOULD DO. THE ME THAT NEEDED ALL THE ANSWERS BEFORE SHE COULD MAKE A RATIONAL, WELL THOUGHT OUT DECISION. BUT WHEN TWO HEARTS...TWO SOULS ARE DRAWN TOGETHER, THERE IS NO RATIONAL RESOLUTION OTHER THAN TO LET IT BE AND GO WITH IT.
SO, THAT IS WHAT I AM DOING. SOMETIMES I FAIL, AND PICK THE FEAR BACK UP. WHICH IN TURN CAUSES A LITTLE DISCORD BETWEEN US. I DON'T ALWAYS REALIZE UNTIL LATER THAT THAT IS THE REASON FOR OUR HEAD-BUTTING. BUT THIS MORNING, AS I LONG TO BE ABLE TO BE NEAR YOU AGAIN INSTEAD OF BEING A RESPONSIBLE ADULT, I SEE THAT I ALLOWED FEAR TO CREEP IN ONCE MORE JUST LAST NIGHT. FEAR THAT THIS, YOU, US IS TO GOOD TO BE TRUE. FEAR THAT YOU WILL TIRE OF MY FAMILY'S JUDGEMENT AND HYPOCRISY. FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN. I ADMIT THAT. I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY OF MY STUPID ACTIONS AND GIRL-LIKE THINKING. I BECAME DEFENSIVE AND ON GUARD. I COULDN'T SEE THAT I WAS DOING IT LAST NIGHT, BUT I CAN SEE THAT TODAY. YOU WERE SO RIGHT IN YOUR COMMENT - YOU ARE NOT OTHER PEOPLE. AND I WAS AN IDIOT ONCE MORE. SO HERE I AM, THIS BEAUTIFUL DISASTER, ASKING YOU TO FORGIVE ME. TO REMEMBER THAT I AM HUMAN AND I, TOO, NEED PATIENCE. AND MAYBE IF YOU SEE OR FEEL ME DOING IT AGAIN, YOU CAN JUST ASK ME IF THAT'S WHAT I AM DOING...IF YOU ARE ABLE. I KNOW THAT IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY, BUT I DON'T ALWAYS REALIZE I AM DOING IT. BUT MOSTLY, I AM ASKING YOU TO FORGIVE ME.
AND ONE MORE THING....I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I APPRECIATE YOU. I APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU ARE ABOUT AND WHAT YOU STAND FOR. I APPRECIATE YOUR SWEET GENTLENESS WITH ME. HOW YOU KNOW THAT SOMETIMES, I JUST NEED TO BE A TOTAL GIRL. HOW YOU....JUST KNOW ME. I LOOK FORWARD TO EVERYDAY THAT I HAVE WITH YOU. AND I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING WHERE THIS THING WE HAVE TAKES US....
UNTIL NEXT TIME...... March 26 Shitty Ass Day.....and its only 9amIt's an incredibly shitty day....incredibly. So much so that I have been sick to my stomach all morning. I'm not going to go into it right now...don't even know if I will at all on here....but its shitty. My heart is hurting so much that it feels like it might actually break in two. I just want to say fuck it all and crawl back in bed and wait for morning to come.....like maybe Sunday morning. Yea....I could totally sleep through the rest of the week and weekend. I feel like I am going crazy with all the accusations flying around...all the ...whatever. It is what it is. And right now, I'm scared of losing Boo, I'm pissed off that these issues are even going on, and even more pissed off that the only real issues that we have ever had since we started dating involve other people. I'm not saying we don't have our own things...I'm just.....I dunno. I Know I'm not perfect....by any means. I have said things that have been hurtful. It wasn't intentional...but that doesn't matter. If someone drops a brick on your foot.....it hurts....regardless of whether it was on purpose or not.....it hurts. And for hurting that person I am so very sorry. I really am. And not because of what it's causing between me and Boo - although I am sorry about what its putting Boo through and doing to her heart....but because I hurt someone. I hurt their feelings. Their heart. Someone I like. Someone I care about. And that just hurts my heart.
And you know what sucks?? I can't talk to my mom because she doesn't agree with my being a lesbian nor does she want to hear anything abuot it. AND I can't talk to Boo because sh'es trying to stay out of all this mess. What I do know is this.....I just want to curl up in a little ball and sleep....possibly forever...
Until Next Time... March 23 GREAT WEEKENDWhat a great weekend! After a fun filled Friday and Saturday with Boo....we could hardly sleep Saturday night. The excitement was too great for Boo...and I think that I was just as excited for her. You see, Sunday morning, Boo's niece and her girlfriend finally arrived after a long road trip from Chicago. Boo was so excited that I literally thought she might explode. Really. I did. Her energy the whole weekend was incredible. She tossed and turned, snuggled and got up, sent them texts throughout the night to see where they were....eventually at some point, she did get a little sleep. We had set the alarm for 7am so that we could wash the bedding and do all the last minute things we needed to do. But, at 6:30, my eyes popped open and without turning to her to see if she was even awake, I asked where they were. That's how connected we are....her excited energy woke me up. They hadn't responded to her last text. I gave her a few options as to why not....they were jammin out to some rockin music, were in a dead spot and didn't get service, or they had pulled over to rest.....and I suggested she call them which hadn't yet occured to her to do. My last guess was right - they were takin a little nap. So, after getting back on the road, they arrived tired and hungry sometime between 9:30 and 10. It was .....greatness. You see, Boo hasn't seen a single family memeber in 11 years. Part of the time I just had to sit back and watch. To take in the moment....relish in it. My heart felt so full, so excited, so happy. J & R (J lives in the nieghborhood and R is her boyfriend) came over, Boo made us all breakfast, and we enjoyed each other's company. We laughed, we told stories, we got to know each other....we had a great time. Around 11:30, the girls looked ready to pass out...and felt that way too. So, Boo and i took the pup to the dog park, ran some errands and chilled at R's house till 3:30 so they could get some much needed rest. I myself needed a power nap after all that excitement! When we got home, Boo's nieces gf (I REALLY need to come up with a nickname for those two!) went to the store with me...for beer. I mean, what else would we go to the store for!! Anyways, by the end of the night we were at J's enjoying a yummy dinner outside in the fresh air. It was just an all around great night. Boo and I gave the girls her bed for the week and we made a pallot on the living room floor. It was quite cozy actually. Although, niether of us really slept because the wind was so loud. And we thought it would storm. And I think Boo was still just that excited. But all and all, it was a great weekend. Great energy. Great family time.
We're gonna try and take the girls to "Gay-borhood" sometime this week. I can't wait!! Boo isn't a big fan (and reasoning completely cracks me up)....and I love it. So although we have gone down there a few times....I only ask when I really, really want to go. We're also gonna take them for sushi at some point. J has been craving it, the girls have never tried it, and Boo and I....well we both LOVE sushi. Other than that.....we have no plans. Boo took Wednesday off and is going to spend the day with them. And I am going over there straight from work today and tomorrow to take care of the pup and hang out a bit before Boo gets home.
I can feel it already....it's gonna be a great week.
I know...I have givin lots of details and what not...guess I'm just excited. Watching Boo yesterday, I just....thank you Karma for giving me such a wonderful woman!! (OOOHHHHH!!!!!! Friday night, Boo took me to my favorite restaurant. She actually remembered even though I had just mentioned that I had gone with my parents last Sunday. It was such a simple gesture...surprising me and everything....but I felt so special and cared about. I was giddy all night! Thank you Boo....)
Well, I hope I didn't bore you too much with all the details...but....I just can't shut my mind off! Although i do need to try now....gotta get some work done!!
Until Next Time.... March 20 Choose to be real....Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are" -Kurt Cobain
Everyday we are faced with choices. Out of all the choices we are faced with, I truly believe the hardest and most important one is this: we must choose to be ourselves; to live authentically, despite other's opinions, judgements, rejection, or even our own self-judgement. We must set down our fears, get over our pride, tear down our walls and let people know the real us. It can be one of the scariest things some of us do....but its also the most empowering. It sets us free from the chains we carry day in and day out. Its a choice....everyday....that we must make.
After living my entire life trying to pretend, trying to hide the "big bad secret"....living this openly, this authentic, this real, this true....its empowering, inspiring, it feels amazing!!! I was reading some of my old blogs about the men I dated and I felt a tinge of sadness. Not from missing men, but because I tried so hard and was in such denial that I actually thought I could at least be content with a man. I had convinced myself that I would rather live an okay life in a marriage with a man, than live a happy, loving life with a woman. I truly believed that I would do it and I would be okay and no one would be the wiser. It's sad if you think about it. We are surrounded by people in today's society that would rather appear to be happy and fulfilled than actually BE happy and fulfilled.
Sadly, choosing to be real can sometimes cause the loss of friendships. But what I have learned is that while that hurts a little and I do miss those people....my life has never felt so amazing. I have never felt so alive. And I am loved much more than I ever dreamed possible. And you throw in the self pride, love, and respect ....and honey, you just can't touch me! There are people that flat out don't believe, there's those that believe that I am going through a phase, and there are those that "understand considering the home life you had growing up." And to each one of those people....I feel sorry for you. I do. Because you are missing out on a beautiful big hearted woman because you are too arrogant AND ignorant to try and even know the real me. I have nothing to prove to you. I only answer to myself.
So, the next time you are faced with the choice to be yourself or pretend to be someone else....choose wisely. Choose to be real.....
"To thine own self be true..."-Shakespear
Until Next Time.... March 17 Google FunI saw this on just eat your cupcake and today is a good day for it.
Google your first name and the words: needs, wants, loves, hates, believes, wishes, sleeps, smells, eats, tastes, and realizes. See what you get. This is what I came up with: JESSICA NEEDS COFFEE.
~well let me finish the first cup first....especially since its a huge travel mug....then maybe I'll have some more.
JESSICA NEEDS TO STOP DRESSING LIKE A SLUT.
~now wait just one minute! I don't dress like a slut! Well...I do have a few...um...outfits.....but those are for Boo's eyes only so it doesn't count!
JESSICA WANTS TO GET ROUGH.
~and dirty!
JESSICA WANTS YOU TO FINISH AND GO AWAY.
~lol...how many times did I think or say that when I slept with men....THANK GOD I finally faced MY truth....
JESSICA LOVES HER SOME TACO.
~oh wow....I can't comment on this cuz I can't stop laughing....
JESSICA LOVES PRESIDENT BUSH.
~um...I LOVE President Obama thanks...
JESSICA HATES METAL.
~especially when its a hot or cold seatbelt.....OUCH!
JESSICA HATES WORKING OUT.
~I'm working on this one...really I am....sorta...
JESSICA BELIEVES STRONGLY THAT A BRIDE SHOULD PLAN AHEAD AND USE A WEDDING CONSULTANT.
~DAMN STRAIGHT
JESSICA BELIEVES THAT BY COMBINING CREATIVITY, PERSISTANCE, AND FEARLESSNESS, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.
~no explanation needed.
JESSICA WISHES HER HAMSTER COULD DANCE.
~if only I had a hamster....
JESSICA WISHES TO RELEASE HERSELF FROM THE FEAR OF SUCCESS.
~get outta my head!
JESSICA SLEEPS AND WAKES UP.
~sometimes earlier than she'd like...
JESSICA SLEEPS SOUNDLY.
~especially with her....
JESSICA SMELLS LIKE ASS.
~now that's just not nice....I showered today!
JESSICA SMELLS LIKE HOME.
~hmm....never been told that before...
JESSICA EATS EVERYTHING.
~NUH UH! I do not! I don't eat shriveled green peas or mushy cooked carrots....
JESSICA EATS VEGETABLES.
~yummy
JESSICA TASTES LIKE SUGAR BUT SHE'S NOVICANE.
~i would say its more of a sweet tangy flavor.....
JESSICA TASTES LIKE INTOXICATION.
~and oh so addicting
JESSICA REALIZES THAT THEY ARE CONVINCED SHE HAS GONE MAD AGAIN.
~was i ever sane????
JESSICA REALIZES YOU HAVE TO DATE ONE, TOO.
~I'm just sayin. I mean, women are amazing, incredible, intriguing, beautiful creatures....
March 14 TimesFirst 50 Words: Times
There are times in our lives when we do things we just don't understand. I'm not talking about the screw ups here...I'm talking about those times when we feel led to go somewhere or do something completely out of our routine...our plan...without any logical reason. It's a divine moment...whatever or whomever you believe in seemingly guides you to that place in which you almost feel like you are having an out of body experience. You take a different way home than you normally do and find a lost puppy and help him home. You call someone who is on your mind only to find out they are in a bad place and desperately needed someone to talk to. You go this way or that way and something beautiful...something out of the ordinary happens. Maybe you bypass your house and find yourself pulling into a fast food restaurant you never go to and walk inside without even being hungry - questinoning yourself the entire time. You take in your surroundings and see the homeless man sitting alone in the corner.
In our lives we are given many opportunities to listen to the voice within us...to listen to that divine guide. We make the choice to listen and do or to ignore and miss out. I know someone who was given the opportunity today. And being who she is...she listened. Not understanding what she was doing or why she was walking into a fast food joint when she wasn't even hungry. Then, seeing that homeless man....she had a choice. She could stay and offer some food, a loving heart, and open ear; or she could leave and ignore that humble man just as many others do. She had talked to him before...it was one of the same men that frequents the local coffee shop. He served this country...protected her honor and freedom...seen things many of us have only seen in movies. Whenever she talks about him there is always one thing that sticks out. He is always happy....always smiling.
I listened to her talking about the conversation she had with him this morning. The tone in her voice....the way she spoke....I knew that this was a divine moment for her. I listened to her voice crack as tears stung her eyes....not in sadness or pity. But her heart was full. She couldn't explain her feelings or even her thoughts really....didn't really even know why the tears had come. But she knew it felt good....and she enjoyed her conversation with him. It made me think.....
How many times a day do we ignore those moments because we are too busy or worse...too arrogant and selfish?? How many times have we missed the opportunity to listen to someone else for a change? To give someone a hand....to sit with a homeless man in a fast food restaurant for 30 minutes to listen to him speak - to let him know he's cared about. This man didn't ask for anything....never does. He is happy living such a simple life without any possessions. Society views him as a nuesance without anything to offer. And yet...through her...he offered me a lesson....
Never be so busy, so arrogant, so selfish that you pass up moments to learn and experience....to give...to observe, to listen, to love, to be kind.....just follow that still small voice....the one that will lead you in the most beautiful way. It will change you...I promise you that. And the change in you will be subtle....but the most beautiful. I'd like to thank that man. Thank him for reminding me how much more there is in this world to experience-to learn. Thank him for allowing me to be apart of that moment with her. And....to allow me to see another piece of her I hadn't yet....a moment where I surged with pride....admiration. A moment where I once again realized how lucky...how thankful I am for finding this incredible woman.
My heart, too, is full.....
Keep your mind and heart open to endless possiblities. You never know what lies ahead in your moment.....
Until Next Time.... March 11 Dear YouYesterday, I found a thread called Dear You on Kathy's Lesbian Life Blog....well actually in her forums. Anyways, I didn't write on there....but I am going to do it here today.....I need to get some things out. The idea is that you write a letter to someone about anything you just need to say but you don't use any names. A lot of people vent. Some declare their love. But whatever they say is what they haven't or won't say to the actualy person....for whatever reason. Me on the other hand....well, maybe I'm crazy or maybe I am trying to over come some of this fear...but I know that the person I am about to write to reads this blog...and they will know that this is to them.....so here it goes.... (BTW I am so not going to reread this so there will probably be spelling mistakes galore...but I just want what I feel to come out...no correcting...)
Dear You,
Today is one of those days that I wish I could rewind time and start fresh from the time my alarm went off. I hate this. I hate getting into little arguements and spats with you. I hate how it makes me feel helpless...not knowing what to say or do to fix it. I hate over analyzing the shit out of it...trying to figure out how a conversation can go so bad so quickly. I hate knowing that I am the reason you are frustrated. Knowing that I have upset you in anyway. I hate it....I just hate it. Because you are so important to me. I care about you more than you could possibly know...in ways I wouldn't even begin to know how to explain. There just aren't words....yes. me, "the writer," can't figure out how to explain it to you.
My mind wonders frequently throughout the day...thinking about you...just different things you know. Like the softness of your skin, the way your eyes sparkle, your laugh. I find myself eagerly awaiting your next email...your next text. I miss you when I am away from you. It's like the days can't go by fast enough till I see you again - even when it's just a couple of hours. It scares me sometimes. These feelings that I have. But I am just going to go with it. I have never cared this much when someone was upset with me. But I do care...a lot....I care so much that my stomach is in knots write now as I type this. I care so much that I cried this morning as I walked out of the house and had to regain my composure before leaving the drive. Sure, some tears were out of frustration, but mainly because I was trying so hard....SO HARD....and I felt like I failed. Like I failed you....the last person I would ever want to fail. I kept crossing my fingers that you wouldn't see me still sitting there and come out or call to find out why I was still there. I didn't want you to hear or see me crying.
My life is soo different with you in it. Not just because of the obvious either. You have awakened things in me. Things and feelings I never knew existed....at least not in me. Things and feelings I never thought I'd find....or was even capable of. While I knew what I was worth and what I deserve in life and relationships before I met you, you have helped me to see those things more clearly. I have bigger dreams than ever before. Deeper desires.... And I have become less fearful. Don't laugh...I really have. It may not seem that way to you because you know when I am scared. But I am truly less fearful. And even at times when I am scared out of my mind...I just push through it and do it anyways. Or say it anyways.
Yesterday you teased me about not being able to find the words for the way the other night and morning felt. Well, I didn't lie, all the words I came up with were absolutely true. But there was a word...an emotion that I felt so strongly that was the first thing to come to mind....but I didn't say it. I was afraid. Maybe I was afraid you would freak out...or maybe I was just afraid to admit it to myself...to put it out into the universe. But when I got in my car yesterday morning to head to work, I could not contain my smile. I remember starting the engine, putting my cell phone in the visor, lighting up a cig, rolling down the window, taking that first drag and as I exhaled one thought flooded my mind. So, this is what it feels like. This is what it feels like to feel so comfortable, so vulnerable, to be so completely crazy about someone, to feel totally safe and at home. Home. That's the word that kept leaping into my thoughts...the word I felt best described my feelings...the word I was afraid to say out loud - not just to you but to me as well. You know that quote I have told you numerous times...."Great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one." That's how that night and morning was. To anyone else looking in, that night...and that morning as I left was just an everyday thing. But, to me, it was a beautiful great moment in time between the three of us. And I loved every minute of it. Just like I have loved every minute living in this moment with you since that Monday night football game. Yes, every moment...every single one....because each little spat has made us stronger. Each feeling of frustration has brought us closer.
Sighs....I guess what I am trying to say is that I know I am not perfect. I am going to trip and fall flat on my face many more times in my life. And I know that there are moments where I probably drive you absolutley insane. But, I told you before, I'm not going anywhere. I care about you. i want to be with you and only you....to live in this moment with you. And if you can just have some patience with me...if you can help me understand how to communicate certain things better to you....tell me what works for you...then this thing we have....will only grow. Because this thing we have....(yes I am going to say it again)...its something real. And I know you feel it just as much as I do.
This morning...it was just a blip....a speed bump. And we will figure it out.....
Yours,
Me
UNtil Next Time.... March 05 Re-energized...It's beautiful outside. I spent my lunch break sitting in my car with the windows down. The sun shone brightly and a few times I even felt a few beads of sweat on my face. But, the cool breeze that swept threw cooled me down everytime. It seemed to do something else as well. It blew away the uneasiness...the sadness I was feeling. Mother Nature always knows what we need. I needed a refreshing moment with just me and her....and she gave it to me. A few quotes popped into my mind while I sat enjoying her beauty. Each spoke to me differently...yet the same. I will share them at the end of this post...but probably not what they said to me...
I just wanted to say...well....I feel refreshed....rejuvinated....re-energized. I have always known that I cannot change the past. BUT I can always do my best to move forward and to make amends. I have been thinking about certain things the wrong way....my time with Mother Nature showed me that. She is much wiser than I...than any of us. My heart is full, open, eager, and alive.....thank you Mother Nature - for showing beauty in all things......and showering it on us....
~To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did. - Author unknown
~When you blame others, you give up your power to change. - Robert Anthony
~Be faithful to that which exists within yourself. - Andre Gide
~We must make the best of those ills which cannot be avoided. -Clarence Day
~Dreams are the most powerful motivators of all. - Nick Thornely
Until Next Time..... |
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