I HAVE BEEN SITTING HERE THINKNING WHEN I SHOULD BE WORKING SO I DECIDED TO WRITE INSTEAD OF THINKING OR WORKING.  OR MAYBE I WILL WRITE WHAT I THINK...I DUNNO.  FIRST I MAY BE A LITTLE FLIGHTY BECAUSE I HAVE A SINUS INFECTION OR HEAD COLD OR ALLERGIES...YOU PICK...THE POINT IS I'M MISERABLE!  BUT REALLY, I'M MORE MISERABLE ABOUT BEING BACK IN THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS INSTEAD OF "THERE", THAN ANYTHING ELSE.  BUT ALAS, I AM NOT. HE IS.  AND THAT JUST SUX.  BUT I AM LEARNING PATIENCE.  I RECEIVED AN EMAIL FROM A FRIEND YESTERDAY THAT HIT ME.  THE TITLE IS "SOMEWHERE ELSE".  THE FIRST LINE IS THE SCRIPTURE FROM PHILIPPIANS 4:11, "FOR I HAVE LEARNED TO BE CONTENT, WHATEVER THE CIRCUMSTANCES."  YOU KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING DON'T YOU?  THE SECOND LINE ASKS THIS QUESTION...."HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SOMEWHERE YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BE?"  HAHAHAHA.....DUDE, WHO THE HECK IS PUTTING MY THOUGHTS OUT THERE FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEE?  I MEAN IS THIS NOT WHAT I HAVE BEEN THINKING AND SOMETIMES EVEN CONFIDING...THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE, I WANT TO BE THERE...WITH HIM!!?!  AFTER TELLING MYSELF THAT NO ONE COULD POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO BE CONTENT HERE WHEN I JUST WANT TO GET THERE, I REMEMBERED THE LADY NEXT TO ME ON THE PLANE MONDAY.  I DIDN'T TALK TO HER TILL THE LAST 15 MINUTES OF THE FLIGHT.  I ACTUALLY DIDN'T SPEAK TO ANYONE EXCEPT WHEN I WAS ASKED IF I WANTED SOMETHING TO DRINK.  AND EVEN THEN IT WAS BARELY AUDIBLE.  I WAS AFRAID TO SPEAK BECAUSE I JUST KNEW THAT IF I DID I WOULD START CRYING...AGAIN...AS I DID IN THE AIRPORT WHILE WAITING TO BOARD.  THIS LADY ASKED WHY I WAS IN COLORADO.  SO, I TOLD HER - I DIDN'T EVEN CRY...ALMOST...BUT DIDN'T.  THAT'S WHEN SHE SAID IT.  SHE TOLD ME ABOUT HOW HER AND HER NOW HUSBAND DATED LONG DISTANCE FOR THREE YEARS BEFORE SHE MOVED TO BE WITH HIM.  IT GAVE ME HOPE.  I ONLY HAVE FIVE OR SIX MONTHS LEFT AND WE WILL HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A YEAR AND A FEW MONTHS BY THEN.....SHE DID IT FOR THREE YEARS.  THREE YEARS.  GOD KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED RIGHT THEN.  DID IT TAKE AWAY MY SADNESS, NO.  BUT IT HELPED.  I KNOW THAT IT WON'T BE EASY.  I KNOW THAT I WILL SHED SOME MORE TEARS.  BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ME....FOR US....   SO FOR NOW, I MUST FIND CONTENTMENT HERE, IN THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS.  SO I AM LEARNING MORE THAN PATIENCE RIGHT NOW.  I'M ALSO LEARNING HOW TO BE CONTENT WHEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES AREN'T EXACTLY WHAT I WANT.  I MAY NOT ALWAYS LIKE IT.....BUT IT LOOKS LIKE THAT'S WHAT HAS TO HAPPEN RIGHT NOW...SO WHY FIGHT IT?  IF YOU PRAY, WOULD YOU MIND SENDING ONE UP FOR ME.  THIS IS HARDER THAN I EVER IMAGINED IT WOULD BE.

 

UNTIL NEXT TIME....

I find life very, very interesting.  I mean, we say things, do things, want things, need things, which sometimes completely contradict something else we want, do, or need.  After Monday’s blog, I had the rest of the day to think…and think I did.  After work, I spent some time alone in my room away from my roommates, to think and meditate on my feelings.  I am not really sure when I made my conclusion, but when one of my roommates knocked on the door around 8, I opened it while declaring, “I am breaking up with him.”  No hello.  No how was your day.  No time for smiles and hugs.  I just said it.  Her eyes got huge, her jaw dropped, and I began explaining why it made complete sense in my head.  She supported me in that all she wants is my happiness.  Okay, so now I’ve said it…. it’s time to do.  I joined the rest of the family for dinner and chatting, and then went back to my room.  I knew I needed to end it.  But how?  What do I say?  How do I explain how I have felt and how tired of all of it I was??  All I knew was that I had to.  So, while I sat on the floor leaning against my bed, we talked on the phone for an hour.  I cried.  I poured out my heart, my thoughts, my soul.  And he listened.  And for the first time, I really felt heard on this topic.  He shared his heart with me.  I was still angry.  Still sad.  Still hurt.  But I decided in that moment, to end the conversation…not the relationship.  He had heard my heart…possibly more clearly than any other time.  And I was honest in telling him I just didn’t know what to do anymore.  But I resolved in myself that I don’t need to know that right this minute.  He made commitments, and although to be honest, I had my doubts, he has shown me over the two days that he meant what he said.  I am helping run a marriage retreat/training this weekend and as I told him, believe that I will have some light bulb moments and some real clarity.  We will see what happens. Only time will tell if things will truly be different.  But I am willing to stick it out a few more days or weeks (since I have a ticket to go see him July 4^th weekend) to see if we can make the distance work despite our crazy lives.  I can’t run at the first sign of trouble…. not if I believe in the possibilities.  Which of course…. I do.  So here I am…. trying to figure out life and all it entails.  Just have to remember that its okay to be uncomfortable, I don’t have to have all the answers, no one is perfect, life and love are both wonderfully unpredictable, and it’s ONLY hard.  Hard… I can do hard.  So today I am optimistic.  I woke up this morning excited about what the day would bring.  Excited that life is crazy beautiful…even when you’re hurting.  And yes, excited that I don’t know what is going to happen.  Because the more I think about it, the more I realize I really don’t want all the answers.  I may not be big on surprises…. but life wouldn’t be quite as intriguing if we didn’t have them.  It’s kind of like this past Valentine’s Day when the receptionist brought me a box that had been delivered.  I may not normally like surprises…but I think its only when someone says I sent you something or I got you a surprise today…and then you are left wondering what in the world it is.  But when I got that Valentine’s Day delivery with no previous knowledge of it coming…I was sooooo excited that someone…. someone special…had remembered me and surprised me with a gift.  That’s kind of how I view the surprises of life…. God’s little gifts to remind us He is thinking about us.  So here’s to God giving us surprises…. and being excited about them no matter what!

I have come to realize more and more over the years that we make choices based on our past experiences.  When we have been hurt, betrayed, violated, or scarred by someone, we look for someone safe....for the most part anyways.  When we burn our hand on the stove, we are more careful the next time its on.  When we have been in a car accident, we become more cautious as a driver.  Its just like when we figure out what works for us.  We choose the things that work versus what doesn't.  For the most part, it seems as though it is always a simple answer, right?  Unfortunately, it isn't always simple or easy....and sometimes it isn't what we want to do at all.  I know people that married their spouse not because they were giddy in love, but because that person was safe.  They knew that there would never be violence, they would always be taken care of, and they would make a good parent.  And those are all good things don't get me wrong. But if you marry for safety, are you ever truly happy with your life?  Now I realize that maybe on down the road you could also truly fall in love and see that yeah, you married safe, but eventually you fell deeply in love, too.  The older I get, and the louder my clock ticks, the more I think about such things.  What draws two people together?  What keeps them together when they hit the rough patches?  And if you aren't both truly, madly, deeply, giddy in love when the rough patch comes in the dating part, why do you stay?? In fear, I write this, this beautiful morning.  In fear that the people in my life that I love will read this and judge .......or worse, that the one that I love will read this and be hurt.  But I am raw and open, and I just gotta get it out. 

I have been thinking about all of this for the last week or so.  As I mentioned before, my love and I hit a rough patch a few weeks ago.  It was our first big fight and we didn't really talk for two weeks.  I was hurt and sad and yeah, I was angry, too.  I felt neglected and unimportant, and not a priority in his life.  We talked, we made some commitments to each other, and we made up.  Or so I thought.  But the more I think...and I do that a lot....the more I realize that he said all the right things at the right time.  All the things that I wanted him to say.  You know, that I am a priority in his life, and that he cares about me a lot, that the things that are important to me are important to him, too.  All of it was sweet.  It gave me butterflies to hear it.  Made me feel special.  But....I still feel the same.  And now, to be completely honest and raw and brutally open.....I realize that I'm really not happy with how things are.  I question my own reasons of staying in a realtionship that I'm not happy in.  Sure, he's a fantastic guy.  And you know what, I really do love him.  He has all the characteristics I have wanted in a partner.  He's attractive and funny.  He's easy going and laid back.  And we go well together.  But I feel like when my friends ask about him and we start talking, I am defending him and making excuses more than I need to be.  The truth is he loves to work.  And you know what, that's great.  I am glad he has a job that he loves, owns a business on the side that he thoroughly enjoys, has a great time being a soccer referee, and still manages to find time to volunteer and love on teens.  To be honest, all of these things were something that attracted me to him.  I just have one question.  Where exactly do I fit in??  I mean, sure I enjoy going to the games with him while I am there.  And I enjoy his business almost as much as he does.  I am proud of his full time job and am in complete admiration and awe, as well as I find him a hero because of what he does.  And we met volunteering with teens.  So, it's not like they aren't all good things.  Because they are.  And I am sooo happy that he does things that bring joy and fullfillment in his life.  But what about me?  What about my wants, my needs, my desires?  What about the things in life that bring me joy and fullfillment?  Are those things less important than his things?  I am a woman.  I want to be told that my partner finds me attractive.  That he thinks I am beautiful, or smart, or pretty.  And even the occassional sexy would be nice.  I want to be held tightly as if to let me go would physically hurt.  Its not that I am some affirmation slut or that I need these things constantly.  But hey, I have never heard them in the almost 9 months we have been together.....ever.  I try to be understanding and patient.  He wants to take things slow and I know about his past relationships....so I swallow my hurt and roll with the punches.  But here's the thing.  The more I swallow it, the more I question my own motives, my thoughts, my feelings, even my self-pride.  Am I choosing to stay with him because I love him and I think we could make the perfect couple?  Or am I settling?  Staying safe?  Is the hurt and discontentment worth the possible final result of something spectacular?  I'm not gonna lie either...in the last month or so, I have had more men hit on me and express interest than I can ever even remember.  Its flattering being told you are beautiful and wanted.  It's also a harsh reminder that the one who should be saying it, never does.  It also makes me question my reasons for questioning the realtionship in the first place.  Maybe I am only questioning it because I am getting attention from other men.  But maybe, just maybe, it's because over the course of the last year I have grown up a lot....emotionally.  Especially over the last few months.  Maybe its because I want more.....I need more.  Maybe its because for the first time in  a long time, I know what I am worth, what I deserve, and what I refuse to settle for.  And I refuse to settle for scraps.  And as I type that I realize that is what I am doing....settling for scraps...just as I did when I was growing up. 

So the question is do I go in three weeks as planned and talk about it and try once more to work things out?  (Of course at this point I feel more like I am nagging than getting heard.)  Or do I put the cards on the table, throw up my hands, swallow my pride, and come to the conclusion that this hand just wasn't for me to win?  I don't know.  It's something I need to figure out....and soon.  Because the way things are....well its just not working for me.  Life is too short and I have too much love to give, to sit back and let it just pass by.  I know what things I do want in a realtionship and in my own life......I also know I can't change anyone but myself, I don't want to, and I don't have the right to ask anyone to do so.  But you know, that is a-okay with me.  I know there is a reason for everything....just as there is a season for everyting.  I guess we will see what I do.....

 

Until Next Time.....

First 50 Words: Sacred Life

 

Will you be there?  Will you be there to cheer me on in every success?  And to remind me that it’s okay with every failure?  Will you be there to hold my hand as we walk along the oceanfront in some foreign land?  What about when I wake early enough to see the sunrise in all its glory?  Will you be there?  Will you meet me at that place?  That place where dreams and life mix together so wonderfully that you cannot tell the two apart.  Will you be there when I need someone to lean on?  Will you catch me if and when I fall…even if it’s into a million little pieces?  Will you lovingly help put me back together?  Will you be there?  Will you be there when I get that job I have been praying for?  Or when I am laid off with no warning?  Will you?  Will you be there?  Will you be there when I seek wisdom?  Will you be there when I just need to talk…or laugh…or scream…or cry?  Will you be the one to wipe the tears from my bloodshot eyes?   Will you be the one that says it first…those three little words it seems we both are afraid of?  Will you be the one to kiss my lips and pull me close?  Will it be you?   Will you be the one that gazes into my eyes?   Will it be you that holds me close when our humanity is made clear by the death of people we love?  Will you meet me there?  In that place?  That place that only few can see or feel or even dream of?  Will you meet me in that place where butterflies and fields of flowers is all you can see for miles around?  That place of snow covered mountains?  Or that place of crisp, green trees?  Can you smell it?  That sweetness in the air.  That light fragrance of rain.  Can you hear it?  The sounds of laughter.  Of children playing.  Of whispers in the night.  The sound of happiness.  Can you wrap your mind around all that is yours…mine…ours…? 

 

So many thoughts and questions invade me today.  But at my core I am happy.  Peaceful.  Free. My heart is full.  My life a dream.  Life is good.  Love is amazing.  My world is morphing into something more...something specatular....something sacred.  I want you there.  I want you here.  Will? you? be? there?

 

 

 

 

 

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

 

 

 

Somewhere between knowing what I want, and not having a clue.  Somewhere between knowing right and wrong, and feeling indifferent.  Somewhere between trusting my head, and listening to my heart.  Somewhere between loving with all that I am, and questioning it with every breath I take.  Somewhere in the middle.  It's this place of uncertainty...of questioning and doubt.  This place, here in the middle.....it has it's purpose.  But what, may I ask, is it?  Is it to test my integrity, my character, my trust?  Is it to show me I am stronger than I believe I am?  More courageous, powerful?  Is it to teach me something new?  Open my eyes to things I have yet to see?  This place...this vast, open range of...of emotions.  It has its grip and it refuses to release me.  It's as if letting go of me would be it's painful death....and my life.  Somewhere between hating the old, and longing for new.  Somewhere between wanting to grow up, and being terrified of the resposibility.  Somewhere between feeling special, and feeling taken for granted.  Somewhere between being ready, and being paralyzed.  Somewhere in the middle.  It's this massive abyss of....of hesitation.  Indecision.  Ambivalence.  Skepticism.  Suspicion. Perplexity. Ambiguity.  This place left unsettled.  THis place that I am.  That I am coming to laothe.  Yet, how do I find my way out?  How do I find the answers my soul searches for?  Too many choices....too many decisions.  Somewhere in the middle is where I am trying to climb my way out of. 

 

 

Until Next Time....

 

***I have made a list of the different topics there have been the last few months that I haven't been using the writing prompts.  So, now I am randomly choosing one to use....***

 

COME BACK

 

I remember it like it was yesterday.  My mom was late picking me up from school.  I had been standing outside in the humid April air waiting for a glimpse of her car.  The only cars left in the parking lot were those of the teachers and the athletes.  I had found a cool place in the shade to sit and start my homework.  It was my sophmore year....my second year of a private high school and the first in this brand new school.  I had made plenty of friends, but all of them had rushed home to their families or were at some kind of practice.  I remember staring at the same homework assignment and not having a clue as to what I should do.  All I could think about was how pissed off I was that mom was late....again.  I started guessing what the excuse would be this time.  Work.  Meetings.  Conference call.  Naptime.  Whatever it was, surely it wasn't more important than me....right?

 

After going back in the school to use the ladies room, I walked to the end of the side walk and back.  "OH MY GOD!  WHERE IS SHE?  DOESN'T SHE REALIZE I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO THAN WAIT ON HER??!!!"  These thoughts and many like them were flooding my mind when I saw her car coming up the drive.  I remember going over exactly what I was going to say to her...I'd give her a piece of my mind.  I got in the car huffing and puffing, angerly tossing my bag on the floor.  The truth was, I felt unimportant and forgotten.  And I was so tired of feeling that way.  I was staring out the window, getting ready to turn and let her have it when this soft, meek, quite voice began to apologize.  Now, if you knew my mom back then, you  would know that those were not words that described her.  Back then, mom was a force that you really didn't want to cross.  Always right and always blunt...meek was the complete opposite of her.  I turned to face her confused, but still angry.  'Who is this woman??'  Until a few years ago, I had only seen my mom cry twice.  The first was when I was in the hospital and she was praying for my life - my liver was failing and we were told to pray for a miracle.  The second, was that day.  Her eyes were blood shot, her face a bit ashen, and her hands were clutching the steering wheel for dear life.  My anger quickly vanished as I questioned her.  All she would say was it had been a long, hard day.  I sat in silence the whole way home thinking about what could possibly cause this tough as nails woman to break down and cry.

 

She walked in the house ahead of me, straight into her office and shut the door.  Still in astonishment that my mom was crying, I sat on the couch and turned on the tv.  It had been a hard couple of years for our family.  More than one person in the family had attempted suicide...more than one time.  We hadn't seen or spoken to mom's family in a couple of years.  I had been in four different schools in less than three years.  And we had moved from a gorgeous home we all loved, to this rent house, because of me.  But even with all that we had overcome, I never saw mom cry.  Why now?  I flipped through the channels still puzzled, when I heard mom come out of her office.  She walked to the tv, turned off the power, and came and sat next to me - all without saying a word.  With her hands folded in her lap and tears silently falling down her face, she stared at me.  I froze.  Something was wrong....more wrong than I could have imagined....I could feel it in my gut.  Her words came out slow, but strong. "There's been an accident."  My stomach rose to my throat as I watched her mouth form words that I couldn't seem to grasp. "Is it Dad?  Papa?  Mama?  What mom, what happened?" 

 

That moment and the days after it will forever be etched in my mind.  After mom told me that Uncle Steve had been killed in a car accident and that my cousin Caleb might not make it, I ran for the door.  And I just kept running.  I couldn't breathe or see.  I just cried and ran.  I ran at least a couple of miles before I collapsed under a tree in someone's front yard.  I could hear the baseball team practicing at the high school across the street.  There were cars passing me, slowing down to look at what was going on.  And someone was screaming.  Please tell them to stop screaming, I can't take it right now.  And then I realized I was the one screaming and that people were coming out of their houses.  "COME BACK.  YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM, GOD!!  COME BACK UNCLE STEVE.  I NEED YOU HERE!!"  I had lived with my aunt and uncle for four months the year before.  He was another dad to me.  I needed his guidance and strength...his words of wisdom.  I got up and started running again.  To this day, I am unsure of which roads I took back to the house, but I do remember running the whole way....running and crying and screaming.  As I turned onto our street I saw my dad pacing in the front lawn, waiting for me.  I ran faster and fell in his arms....and cried for all that we had lost....and could still lose 

 

That was just over eight years ago now, and I still beg him to come back....

 

Caleb lived, although he has never been the same older cousin that I once had.  His three brothers have all grown up as we all did, although one is still in high school.  He has his dad's humor.  I wonder what life for them would be like if Uncle Steve was still around.....what live would be like for my aunt...for all of us.  My aunt is actually my mom's aunt but just a few years older than mom.  They grew up more like sisters, so in turn, I grew up closer to my second cousins than my own sisters.  We are and will always remain a tight knit family.  But the feeling is always there when we get together.....something....someone is missing.  I think back to the days we sat around the table and talked.  He had a contagious laugh that could be heard for miles.  Those were the days....

 

**Almost always I write about things based on my own experiences...this is no different.  I miss you Uncle Steve.**

Appetizer

Appetizer

First Fifty Words Topic: Letter to my body

 

Dear Body,

 

My how you have changed.  I remember when running and dancing were just another fun thing to do for hours.  Now not only do you have to be in the mood, but I must stretch you, and warm you up – before and after!  I remember when we would pull all nighters just because we could.  And now just the thought of that makes you want to crawl in bed.  Do you remember how you got that scar on your left shin?  I do.  You slipped getting into a pool….I believe it was one of the most painful experiences you ever had.  Or what about that nice one on your stomach?  You just couldn’t contain that bloody appendix anymore.  You caused such an uproar on the inside that the doctor had to cut you open to take it out. 

 

You never really were taken care of, huh?  I did things to you that no one deserves.  For awhile there you rarely got any kind of food to give you energy and make you glow…. and when you did, I made you throw it all up.  I only wanted you to be skinny like the other girls.  But, eventually, together you and I got better.  I humbly apologize for hurting you that way.  Then there was the cutting and all that poison I put into you.  How naive young people are…how lost…. broken.  You now have scars that I put there for everyone to see.  Your ability to forgive such things, well, sometimes I just don’t understand.

 

I have allowed men to beat you and women to call you names.  You bare more scars than most that I know…a lot of which you hide on the inside.  But I am proud of you.  You carry each scar with pride…. a badge of honor.  You know that each scar has helped you become stronger, wiser, and more in tune with your self. You have a mighty, courageous heart that you wear on your sleeve.  You believe in yourself, even when I don’t. 

 

There are still days that I look in the mirror and don’t really like you.  You know this, yet you never show if this hurts you or not.  It’s almost as if you are teaching me to learn to love you.  I made you walk a total of six miles this week, and although you ached and were sore…. you loved every minute.  You loved taking each step, and with each lap around the track you seemed to get faster…. encouraged.  Excited that I had finally decided to take care of you the way I should have been doing.  Proud to take me to a better place.  You seemed to whisper to me, “See, I told you we can do this…you and me together…we can be and do anything….Especially when you treat me well.”

 

So, dear body, this is my vow, I will love you through thick and thin.  I will remind myself that I must treat you well for you to do what you need to do to take care of me.  And no matter how I am feeling that day about you… even if you fail me, I will look at you in the mirror and say these words…

 

You are a damn sexy woman.  You are beautiful.  And you are strong.  Go get ‘em girl!

 

Love,Your Keeper

Let's try this again......

I did my usual Friday's Feast on Friday and when I went to publish....it said the server was down.  So I will have to do it again today.  But first I just wanted to post what I am really feelin today. For a bit of an appetizer about my vacation with Out Of State Boy, the decision was made for me to move to where he lives at the end of the year.  Okay, so here I am making plans to uproot my life, leave my family, say goodbye to my friends, walk away from a pretty good job, and basically start all over (not just across town but across states)....and I guess, some days I just feel like I am in second place (or third or fourth) to other things.  Look, before you start emailing me and giving my unwanted advice, or for those of you that know me or him - before you start in on me or him, let me say this - 98% of the time, his hectic schedule doesn't bother me at all.  In fact, as I have told him, its something that attracted me to him...it's something that I want to be apart of - to do those things with him.  But today...just for today, please aloow me to be frustrated.  Thank you in advance. 

 

Last week, on Tuesday, we spent an hour on the phone together - and I LOVED it.  If you know us or know anything about us, you know we don't talk on the phone...like ever.  We text and email and if we really need to know something urgent, we will call.  But I can count on two hands how many conversations we have had on the phone in the last 9 months.  We just aren't phone people.  But after Tuesday...I loved it and yes I want more of it.  But that's besides the point.  After talking to him about some very important, emotional things for me, we hung up and I felt great about our conversation.  After about an hour of sheer happiness, this pain began to creep into my gut and float upwards, only to make it's little nest deep inside my heart and stay.  I went about my days as usual, trying to ignore this nasty little pain.  I couldn't understand it, I couldn't ignore it.  I just did my best and laughed with my girls about their stupid boy problems and talked the "locker-room talk" over beers.  Then, this weekend, I put some medicine on my heart to the tone of two really cute shirts, and then applied the bandage of a great new pair of shoes.  Then the girls and I even sat on the patio of a laid back restuarant and enjoyed some lunch and drinks.  Yet there I sat, two shirts, some new shoes, great friends, good food, and two beers later....and still this annoying little pain just wouldn't budge.  THEN BOOM!  It hit me.  I sat in disbelief at the thoughts envading my mind.  Couldn't be...no that's not it....Could it??  Oh no, you have got to be kidding....I am not in pain for this.  Am I?  CRAP!  I MISS HIM!  And by miss him, I mean I mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss him.  Like, cry myself to sleep, only he can wipe my tears away kind of miss him.  Like, if I don't talk to him right this second my heart is going to shatter into a million little pieces kind of miss him.  It was pure craziness!!  Yea, yea, yea.....I know what your thinking.....but the thing is, I have missed him before...just not like this.  I have missed his hugs and his smile and that cute little look he gets on his face when he's being sarcastic right before he winks at me.  I have missed just knowing that he is asleep in the other room.  I have missed watching him come down stairs when he firsts wakes up, messy hair goin every which way.  I have missed all that before.  Just never like this.  It was different.  *Sighs*  Its crazy how much you can care about one person.  What's crazier is how much you can  **insert four letter word beginning with the letter L here** one person and yet be terrified to tell them.  Or crazier still, that you can tell said person's dad, and still not tell them.  (Yes, I totally did this recently.) 

 

What's craziest is that for all I know, him, or someone in his family could read this and yet I am still writing.  Ehh, what are you gonna do....soemtimes a girl's just gotta write.

 

Anyways....back to the point.

 

Here I am missing him like crazy.  And where is he?  Busy.  With work.  So we haven't talked since Tuesday.  Boo for that.  EEKK....I'm just, well...frustrated.  I miss my boo.  I wanna hug his neck and put my head on his shoulder while we watch a movie.  I'm just ready to move already!  I'm not frustrated with him at all...just the situation.  It's hard being with someone that works nights.  It takes more effort and energy than other relationships.  But when it's right....it's amazing.  And I'll take amazing anyday.......

 

Until Next Time....

So today is my first day back to work after a two week vacation. It was nice being away from everything!!  I only got on the computer twice the whole time!!!  Anyway...I went to Vegas and to Colorado of course.....both with my man!  It was a fabulous time.  I don't really have time to write right now, but I will update you on my trip and all the good stuff soon! 

 

Until Next Time!